Losing someone close

My grandpa passed away this week.  It has been a hard week.  He passed away on Oct. 12.  He was my last living grandparent.  He was 88 years old and had 4 kids, 11 grandchildren, and 18 great grandchildren.

My brother is serving in Afghanistan.  He tried to get home for the funeral.  Due to a sandstorm delaying his flight out he did not make it.  He just landed in Atlanta this morning.  The funeral was yesterday.

The funeral home handled everything wonderfully. I want to Thank them and all of those who have sent prayers up for my family.

I want to thank my hubby who had to work and was not with me until Thursday night, but he called me every night to make sure I was ok.  Asking if I needed anything.  Then him just being here made me finally realize what was happening.  I was trying not to think of everything.  Even though my other brother was here all week with his family, and we had extended family in as well.

Every year, for as long as I can remember, we have had a family reunion on the second saturday in October.  This year we decided not to have it because of the condition that pawpaw was in.  He had a massive stroke in July.  So things have been not that great for a few months.  Well,  last weekend would have been our family reunion.  Even in death, he got us all together at the time of year that he always wanted us together.

My dad was the one to deliver the message at the funeral.  That took strength. To preach your father's funeral takes an unknown amount of strenght to do.  I know that God was with him while doing that.

My cousin Patrick had the honor of opening the ceremony by playing the National Anthem on his trombone.  He done a wonderful job!  We had just come in from a family prayer, which was really emotional.  I don't see how he got through that, either.  Patrick also had put together a slideshow of photos from pawpaw's life.  They were wonderful to look at and remember some of those days.

At the graveside, I had the honor of opening up with TAPS on my trumpet.  My grandpa was a very patriotic man.  He had 4 HONORABLE discharges from the military.  One from the 3C's, one from the Marine Reserves, One for the Army in WWII, and one from the National Guard.  His graveside was military based.  My brother's are both in the Army.  The one that was there is Airborne, and was in his dress uniform.  he looked sharp!!!!  The military guys folded the flag.  There was an error and some red was showing, so they redone it.  But they handled it wonderfully.  Then they closed with TAPS as well.  Theirs was different from mine.  They had a pre-recorded thing inside of the trumpet that played it for them, but it was still wonderful.  When they played their TAPS, my pawpaw had wanted all vets to stand and salute the flag.  I really think they were saluting him.  It was a crazy wave of emotions.  Then as the flag had been folded, it was presented Military style to my father.  He was the oldest child.  Another wave of tears hit me as I saw the pain of losing his father in his eyes.  There was also pride and honor there.

All-in-all it was a beautiful service.  I am glad that it is over.  I am glad that he is out of pain and is with my granny again.   I can see that reunion.  I am sure that he is catching her up on everything she has missed in the past 15 years.  He loved her dearly.  I am glad they are finally together again.  I know that he is too.  I will miss him greatly and love him always.

I am lucky to have such a wonderful and loving family.

Depression that hurts

Don't knock it.  It is real.  My best friend was chatting with me last night about my blog.  I was telling her how much better my hurts were now that I am on this new medicine.  She asked if I thought I had Depression that hurts.  And you know what!  I do.

I have degenerative disc disease in my lower back.  I have an old work injury and there is now arthritis in my lower back as well.  I also have had arthroscopic knee surgery on my right knee once and my left knee twice.  My left knee is still not fixed.

Before this new medicine I was in pain from both all the time.  It seemed that no one understood or they thought I was making it up.  Keep in mind, this is what I thought was going on, depression makes you think things differently than what they really are.  Now with this new medicine, I still hurt in these areas, but it is tolerable.  It is not pain that makes me want to stay in bed all day.  I was hurting everyday.  When you hurt like that and have that cloud of depression weighing on you, it is a huge effort just to smile.  I am so glad that I am out of that zone.

I do still have bad days.  But the worst days are behind me, and I plan to keep them that way.  I still struggle some, but the fight is nothing like it once was.  I see things a lot clearer now.

I have found that instead of going to my knee doctor and him prescribing me loratabs for the pain,  I can get the edge off with Tylenol Arthritis.  With that I can still function =)  YAY!!!

Followers

Be sure to follow me.  You don't have to comment, but I would like to see followers.  That way I know that this is reaching someone.

Strong or Weak?

I have had a great response to my first blog post.  I want to say Thank you to all who have read it and related to me.  Some of you have asked for advice.  I want to help as much as I can!  However, I am not an expert on depression.  I still suffer with this.  I am just learning now how to cope and deal with it.  I will give you advice in areas that have helped me personally.  I can tell you what I have tried or not tried.  I want you to know that you have someone who you can talk to here.  I have either been there or going through it now.  I will not judge you.  That is not my place to judge.

I had a good friend of mine tell me last night that I was strong to talk about my depression.  It does take a lot to be able to talk about this.  I have suffered with this for a long time now.  I think I am at the stage where I am finally accepting that I have this and I want to do anything I can to make it easier to deal with.

 She also mentioned that she was not tough enough to go to the doctor.  The more I think about that, the more I wonder if it is strength or weakness that made me finally go.  Was I strong?  Or was I just at my lowest point and needed a change?  I think it was the later one.  I was in a deep deep funk.  I needed to climb out of.  There was no other solution for me other than to get professional help.  I am so glad that I did.

First BLOG post

I guess I am behind in the times.  I am just now getting around to blogging.  I have myspaced and I am addicted to facebook, but I am just now starting to blog.  So bare with me.

I started this blog so that others could relate.  I suffer from depression.  I know that there are others out there.  Some admit it and some do not.  Whichever you are, know that I understand!  I know how hard this disease is.  YES!  I said disease.  I will go into that more in a few.

I am not sure when my depression first manifested.  I know that I have had it for almost as long as I can remember.  I have destroyed relationships, not knowingly, because of depression.  I have hurt people and I have hurt myself.  I have had hurt upon hurt happen to me, and with not treating my depression for so long...all that hurt just builds up.  With all of that build up, you eventually explode.

I have been to the doctor several times.  Gotten meds.  Some didn't work so we tried new ones.  I would start feeling better and instead of talking to my doctor first,  I would stop taking my meds.  BIG MISTAKE!!!!

My doctor now explained it this way...."You wouldn't keep medicine from a diabetic would you?"   me...(small voice)  no sir.  "Then why would this disease be different?"  My doctor went on to explain to me that depression IS a disease.  There is a chemical lacking in your normal brain function....insert your crazy jokes here, like you never had a brain  lol.  So you have to compensate with a drug that gives you the chemical you are missing.  Once you find the right meds, and most the time it is the first one, then there is a huge change!

My advice to anyone not medicated.  Talk to your doctor.  Yes, there are natural ways to treat depression.  I do a few.  But there is no substitute for that right medication for it.

As I continue to blog, I will talk about things going on in my life and how it effects my depression.  Feel free to give me feedback on how you cope and deal as well.